The Pull

You pull me. You PULL me. Or maybe it's love creating the force. But I feel the tug whenever I need it most. Like a little hand moving me to a different direction, I feel you.

I feel you when I am alone, thinking about the hole that's left from when you left. I feel you when I'm lonely, and your spirit provides comfort. "This way, mama" says the pull, and I am moved. "Come here", you quietly whisper, and we are at the beach throwing rocks and speaking your name. "Go there" we hear, and we are driving to our special spot in Seattle in hopes that it will make our hearts feel better. "Stay here", you tell me, and I do. I sit with you in my heart and think about all the parts I remember. Your sparkling blue eyes. Your huge smile, your unforgettable baby laugh. I still can't believe you were here and then you were gone. 

I have felt the pull a little more forcefully in the past few weeks. Your brother and I went to visit your plaque by the lake. We brought treats to enjoy by your spot in the cemetery. Even though none of you is at these spots physically, they provide acknowledgement that you were here. Seeing your name reminds me that you were real when everything feels like a bad dream. You existed and you were ours. I felt so isolated when I was expecting with Cooper, which I accept was mostly my own doing as my grief was still so fresh and I couldn't bear the "is this your first?" questions that my pregnant belly invited. Again, I have spent most of my third pregnancy at home without much outside contact because of the pandemic. I have been able to avoid well-intentioned questions about which pregnancy this is and how old my other two children with great success. I have also been given the gift (or curse?) of having too much time alone with my thoughts. Not that thinking of Caius has or ever will be a burden. It's the not so pleasant parts that can be difficult and painful, especially when in isolation and dealing with anxiety of having a new baby. 

And so, my wish is that you continue to pull. Pull me into the past when it was just the two of us. Pull me back into the present so I can appreciate every second with your brother and tell him all about you. And pull me into hope- hope that our hearts will continue to heal with you at the center. Hope that we are heading into more happy moments with your memory intertwined in every bit of it. Hope that you will keep pulling me and reminding me of what it is I need to do to keep our bond strong.

I love you, buddy <3