The Pause

The Pause

It is evening again and I am here with my thoughts. Around me are photos of you, my sweet boy, scattered around the room so you are smiling at us from all sides and corners while we move about our busy days. Gently urging us to slow down, and be patient with each other, and squeeze in another hug and "I love you" before the sun goes down and another day ends. Your big blue eyes are shining at us from behind framed glass, reminding me every day what true, all-encompassing love feels like. I miss you so much.

To be honest my grief is just as intense as it was in the first seconds I experienced it. And although I know I shouldn't feel bad for saying that, sometimes I do. In the busyness of our days I don't always have the time to process it, which means it comes out at unexpected times. At work I cry in my car during my lunch break, or while I'm watching TV I have a sudden flood of memories that fills my head and blocks everything else out. I feel as though I am drowning in the heaviness of grief and even though I've gotten stronger it still knocks me down. I grow frustrated with myself- why can't I just go back to work and stop feeling like this? Why can't I do this yet? When does it get easier?

And then I hear you say

pause.

Pause and sit with me, you ask. Take a moment and remember me with your whole being, even just for a minute or two. It's as though you've nestled into the fold of my arm, laid your head on my shoulder and are sitting with me looking at the images of times we spent together floating around in my head. I feel the warmth of you as my heart starts to swell and I am WITH you. I am sitting in the pause with my son in a way that no mother wants to, but I do it anyways because we are connected by love and when Caius left us physically all the love parts stayed.

My biggest fears when Caius passed were that I would forget him and that I wouldn't be able to feel him anymore. When he was here he was my everything. And sometimes I do need to watch a little video or look at a few photos to remind myself of the shape of his eyes and how his little hairs wisped off to one side, but I think about him every single day and the feelings of love remain unchanged. I have days where I would do anything to do pulling- pull back time, hold my boy and pull him HERE, with all my might, and keep him with us where he should be. Pull him back so he is here playing with his brother and sister. Smiling with us on our Christmas cards. Pull back the mask of appearing just fine when the reality is I still cry at night when the house is quiet and I still suffer from the trauma from the day you passed.

The difficult part about keeping a relationship with someone who has died is that you don't always know how to. I still struggle with this. I've spoken to other people about how they stay linked to someone who has passed and have read different stories about ways it can be done in hopes of finding ideas or answers. What works for me is to be open to the pull I feel from Caius- following his lead when I feel a strong tug to go do something or go somewhere that will connect me to him in some way. It might be something or somewhere that brings comfort, or ties into a memory. It might even be something that seems arbitrary but when I am where I feel pulled it's exactly what my heart needs. The pull is a force controlled by love that leads me where I need to be, slowly filling up the cracks of my broken heart and reassuring me that he is still here. I suppose that if someone were to ask me how I stay bonded to Caius it's that.

Another goal for me is to be more present with Caius' younger brother and sister. We were talking about Caius in the car the other day and the song 'Love' sung by Nancy Adams came on the radio. I had never heard it but by chance everyone stopped talking as it started and it was just so pretty that we paused to listen. The words just filled me up so much that I wanted to share the lyrics in case you've never heard it. It's such a beautiful reminder that we are always surrounded by the love for those we've lost.

Love 

It seems like only yesterday 

You were just a child at play 

Now you're all grown up inside of me 

Oh, how fast those moments flee 

Once we watched a lazy world go by 

Now the days seem to fly 

Life is brief, but when it's gone 

Love goes on and on 

Love will live 

Love will last 

Love goes on and on and on 

Once we watched a lazy world go by 

Now the days seem to fly 

Life is brief, but when it's gone 

Love goes on and on

Love you buddy xo