I Miss You

I miss you.


They say that once your life is altered by sudden loss you will begin to live your 'new normal'. I know some people hate this phrase- that the idea of adjusting your life without choice or direction can be defined by an infuriatingly simple notion is just too simple for what it is, really. Building a 'new normal' is exhausting. It's more than creating new routines, new habits. It's totally and completely rebuilding your world, inside and out. It is learning to live with persistent, nagging thoughts about the relationships with those who have passed. If you have anxiety, it is replaying scenarios so many times you have to beg your brain to stop. It is picking apart every word, every action, every thought. 'If I would have only said this. If I would have only done that'. It is tricking yourself into thinking that if you would have done or thought something differently, things would be different. Over and over again. 

Your 'new normal' can mean that you become hyper aware, hyper sensitive- or simply just HYPER. You can feel the thoughts rushing through you like electric currents, running the length and width of your body from head to toe. Constantly. And here's the fun part- these thoughts aren't only restricted to the could haves and should haves. They include panicked realizations of all the things that could happen in the future. 'If only I had noticed something was wrong with Caius that day' blends easily with 'check Cooper's breathing' as he sleeps. 

When the anxiety has run me down enough the depression kicks in. The remembering that I have no chance to go back and fix the past. Caius is gone. The could haves and should haves are just that- I can't go take him to a doctor. I will never get him back. I can't stop the never ending thoughts, I can't feel normal. I don't feel normal. I KNOW normal (or, what my version of it was). I remember what it was like. Normal had hardships and struggles but I always had a knowing that some day I would be in a better place. I had somewhat of an inkling that those periods were temporary. My 'new normal' isn't like that. Caius' loss is not something I will ever get over, forget, move on from. It is depressing to know you will never see a loved one ever again. 

'New normal'. I am told that I will get there. I'm not sure what it will look like but boy do I need normal. I long for that "this too shall pass" optimism that used to push me through. That SHOVE into "it has passed". Someone recently told me they are looking for a narrow road to take her where she wants to be.  A clear, direct route to a better space. I suppose I am looking for that too. Until then I continue to travel this winding path through grief, highs and lows, twists and turns.

I miss you.