Hello guilt, my old friend

It's been 15 months since Caius’ passing and I have recently started reliving his loss as though it has just happened. A sudden, involuntary rewind to the worst day I have ever had. Caius had no health concerns and no symptoms before he passed, therefore not knowing what caused his death has been heartbreaking and frustrating. The initial speculation of SIDS left us feeling helpless. I always thought having a definite reason would bring some comfort. However, even though Caius' passing is still considered SUIDS (Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Syndrome), having finally received a sure cause of death has brought immense guilt and sadness. We have learned that Caius passed from pneumonia, a final answer that has brought me back to square one in my grief. The guilt has returned tenfold. HOW could our little guy have pneumonia without me knowing? All his grandparents had seen him one the day of his passing, and not one of us had noticed any symptoms- it truly was a normal day. But I was the one who spent the most time with him, I was the one who was supposed to notice these things. Feeling as though you have failed as a mother is unbearable.

Knowing that infants can have viruses and pneumonia without showing signs, and knowing how quickly they can be overcome by them has added another layer of fear. I have been tortured by the thoughts of losing Cooper to SIDS as he sleeps; now I am on high alert for other silent killers. I feel as though the constant threat of various things are robbing me of joyful moments as a mother now.

As I raise a child while grieving another, I feel as though I am running two roles at the same time. Part of me is always thinking of Caius, wondering what he would be like now. Haunted by dreams at night of seeing him walk. Overwhelmed by the awareness that his little friends and cousin will soon be celebrating their second birthdays. Saddened by the sight of two little brothers playing at the beach. Overwhelmed with the love I have for my sweet Caius.

Deep down I know Caius was well cared for. His needs were always met and he was so, so loved. When I look at photos and videos of him smiling and laughing, I can feel some validation that I did alright. But I am not yet fully convinced. I continue to replay his last week and day in my head. What did I miss? And then the “why?”’s sneak back in. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't he have had ONE symptom, one indication that something wasn't right? It makes me physically ill knowing he was laughing while we all played that last evening, even though his health was secretly failing. While his little body was sick, an invisible illness silently stealing my boy away from me.

The other part of me runs on hope. On love. On the determination to give Cooper everything I have as a mother. On the gratitude I have for his presence. Although the guilt and fear is always present, I have faith that some day it will be lessened, despite how heavy it feels right now. Every smile, every giggle I get from Cooper heals a crack in my heart. Little by little it is slowly being patched back together. I know I am moving forward, no matter how slow the momentum some times. Having some answers about the cause has helped as well, but it has also opened some back up. I feel confident that it will become almost whole again one day. So many people in my life have helped heal me too. I am so thankful for Clint, Cooper, my family and friends who continue to support us. Please don't ever underestimate the difference a simple act of kindness makes. A simple message saying hello, a quick chat, a random check-in...they may not seem like anything but they can truly shift a bad day into an okay or even a good day.

We will continue to support organizations that provide resources to families who have experienced infant loss. We will continue to speak about Caius and honour his life by helping others. We have learned so much about and have met other families affected by SIDS/SUIDS. The fact that SIDS still exists is unsettling. We lived as parents without answers for 15 months and it's awful, I can't imagine never getting any at all.

Hug your loved ones extra tight today 💛

Chantal