Night terrors

Less than one month! Our second little guy will be here in less than a month. 

We've been counting down the months, weeks and days since the summer. And now it seems as though the days are going by quicker and quicker. We are so excited to welcome Caius' brother. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I also feel terrified for our new son's arrival. I have been working hard and have dedicated a lot of time to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for what may come. Of course it's impossible to anticipate every feeling that may arise. But I've had a few experiences that have provided some insight to what may be difficult, and I have been challenging myself to tackle some fears head on.

One specific experience that was particularly eye-opening came about when I met a friend's new baby. I was hesitant to ask for a chance to hold her as I felt unsure of how it would feel. I had strong initial reaction filled with guilt, uneasiness and a sense of betrayal. As I eventually took the baby in my arms, I calmly looked her over and began rocking her gently as I had Caius months earlier. 'This is ok', I told myself. 'This is ok'. As the minutes went by, I felt my breathing even out and my body relax. And then she fell asleep. I felt her settle heavier into my arms into a nap as I softly rubbed her little back. My hand rested still on her back, when suddenly a wave of panic washed over my entire body. My throat started to feel tight and my head light. If I wasn't so frozen in complete fear, I would have tried to call someone over to take the baby from me. Instead, I took a deep breath, shifted her weight in my arms, and breathed a huge sigh of relief as she sleepily adjusted her position. The fear of holding a sleeping baby had instantly and completely paralyzed me. Knowing I have to rewire my brain after trauma, I forced myself to process what had happened. Bad things don't always happen when babies go to sleep, I told myself, there's your proof. But only a small part of me was truly convinced. After you have experienced something so sudden and awful, it's difficult to believe even the most logical evidence. With so many uncertainties around Caius' passing, Clint and I have to struggle with our brains trying to fill in the blanks of what happened.

I have also had awful dreams that keep me up at night, leaving me to play the terrible images over and over as I try to return to sleep. I have had dreams where we experience the same horrifying situation with our new son, and some that vary in circumstance but share the same outcome. Some nights I awake with pregnancy discomforts and start thinking about what I would do in different scenarios involving emergencies. I start making painful and elaborate lists in my head of all the different things that could happen, as though experiencing them in my imagination will create some sort of readiness for anything. It's both torturous and exhausting. 

What has helped the most continues to be talking to others about how I'm feeling. I've also drawn strength from incredible mothers who are on the same journey. I am so inspired by their determination to continue growing their families while honouring the children they've lost. I have also adopted the mindset that I will love our new son as much and as fully as I love Caius. Never with an expectation that I will lose him too, but with the awareness that all we ever have is the moment we are in. As recently someone reminded me, 'that was then and there, this is here and now'. So when all my beautiful and hopeful thoughts for the future get muddled with fears and panic, I will remember one thing: the only thing I can control is how much I love my sons and I will love them both as much as I can each minute.

Love you both, 'C' brothers 💙💙

Chantal