Brother

When Caius left us, he didn't just leave us in a physical way. His loss is so much bigger than that. One thing that was left behind was a void. A void that only a child could leave. The love we had for our son filled us up, head to toe, creeping into every cell in our bodies. At times I felt as though I was radiating love because I was almost too full. The love I feel towards Caius hasn't dimmed in any way, however it feels tinged with sadness sometimes. The truth is I will always love him, but I have more love to give. I have more motherly love to give.

The feeling was mutual after Caius was gone- Clint and I knew we wanted another child. But of course there were so many complicated feelings around it. First was guilt- I don't want to replace Caius. I did not want to use a new child as a band aid for my broken heart. And I felt that I would possibly be betraying Caius in a way. I am still grappling with guilt of not doing enough for my son, even though we are still not certain on the cause of his passing. Secondly, I felt terrified- correction, FEEL terrified, at the thought of losing another child. I can't imagine many things worse than experiencing child loss. Except suffering through it more than once. I spoke to parents who have; I know it happens. But I have also spoken to parents who have had children after the passing of another, and all shared the same message: the risk was worth the reward. So while Clint and I supported each other in dealing with the guilt portion, we agreed we wanted to be parents to another child.

In four and half months, we will be.

Being pregnant while grieving is hard work. I am forced to be hyperaware of my mental health- even more so now as I prepare for our next adventure. I am constantly monitoring my depression and anxiety to maintain a healthy mental state. I give myself time to cry and be sad, but I am aware that I cannot stay in these moods for too long. Sometimes pregnancy hormones cause me to experience very intense mood changes, and getting out of a low mood is more difficult. Needless to say, going back to work has been very difficult. I have little time to process things as they come up, causing me to suppress them and deal with them when they come creeping up later at night. Small stresses attached to my job now feel overwhelming. I often feel like a failure for not being able to go back as I was. But I am doing what I can.

As I tend to my mental health, I must also anticipate future triggers and hurdles. Before finding out this baby's sex, I was certain that I could avoid some fears by having a girl. I assured myself that the mental separation in my head would somehow be strengthened by the sudden appearance of pink and new girly outfits. I pictured looking into a little baby girl's face and feeling less sadness. I soon realized that newborn babies look alike regardless of sex, and that this was unlikely. And the truth was deep down, I wanted another little boy. I wanted anything that would remind me of my little buddy. I am not looking for a replacement, but I would love an experience similar to what we had. I think it's natural for parents to compare their children- which one is quieter, more athletic, more creative. My struggle will be in going beyond that. Searching for Caius in his brother's face. Treating the arrival of a new little boy as a resurrection of the one I lost. However I am also determined to keep each separate from the other and love the boys for who they are in all their magical, beautiful ways. I am so excited for the arrival of our second son, and I can't wait to tell him about his brother. In the mean time, I am committed to regaining my mental strength so I can be as strong as I can for the new little man. Thank you to everyone in our loving community for all the support you continue to provide. I can't wait to share our second bundle of joy with you all.

Chantal