Good Grief

There was a time when I'd hear "good grief " and I'd think someone was saying something along the lines of "holy moly". "Good grief that elephant is big" or "good grief that soup is hot". I know it is more of 80s or 90s statement. In hearing that statement now I think of something completely different. I think about loss and being on the right path with one's loss. Finding the good grief is very important.

As a human we make mistakes of course. But it's how you deal with those mistakes that helps you on your path. If you make a mistake and learn from it that's good. But you also must follow up that new found knowledge with action. For example, if you see porcupine (a common occurrence of course) you may think "wow, that is a cute porcupine". Then you go to pet it and the porcupine pokes you with its needles. It hurts and you bleed a bit. This gets realized in your brain as a mistake. "OK, I shouldn't pet a porcupine because I will get poked", you say to yourself. Then another porcupine shows up (as they do because there are just so many porcupines around these days) and it too is very cute and you want to pet it. You think, "hmm the last time I saw one these I went to pet it and it hurt and there is still blood on my hand from it". Then you wonder what if this porcupine doesn't do the same thing as the other? So you go to pet it and the same result: it hurts and you bleed. Now you have solidified your thought process and taken away another variable that it wasn't just that first porcupine, it's most likely that all porcupines poke. You have learned if you try and pet a porcupine it will most likely hurt.

You're probably thinking to yourself, "wow Clint that's a long weird way to explain learning".
The reason I did that is to explain where I am with my journey (nothing to do with porcupines most of the time). I am sorry to announce that I have regressed backwards with my grief. I have learned that it's perfectly normal for this to happen. But I also feel bad about it in a way. I felt as though I was moving in the right direction in this process we call grief. It's one of openness, honesty, trust, vulnerability and love . This is something I have come to learn through taking mini breaks from it. For example, Chantal and I went on a trip to Victoria approximately a month after Caius's passing. It was an attempt to get away from the pain. Well let's just say our intentions were good but we really didn't think it through. Our porcupine needle came in the form of: it hurt not being around his stuff, it hurt not being close to family and the dogs and it hurt because we both just didn't feel right about trying take a vacation from it. It was too early to do something like that. So that was our first pet of the porcupine. I'm sure Chantal has had other times where she felt like she pet the porcupine in her grief journey but for the most part she has steadily moved through her grief. Most of the time choosing the right path through courage and hope. And in the beginning I initially went down that same path and was leading our way through it. I would bring hope to her when she was down and tell her why she must move forward. She has to the point where she has learned how to put things into a perspective that is healthy and meaningful. I in turn have fallen off the horse. I jumped into living my old life before I was a Dad. For the past month to three weeks I wasn't looking at pictures and videos of Caius as much as used to, I stopped telling stories about him (blogging), focusing more on work and I wasn't being nice with my self talk. I'm not sure why I did this to be honest. It almost became a vicious cycle the more I was aware of it the worse it got. It became like a bed of porcupine needles that I have become almost numb to the pain. I have hope in this though and that hope is that I understand what I did wrong and I can do things to create leap back on the path of "good grief" as apposed to unhealthy grief. I have learned the grief process has a lot to do with self worth. You can't move to the next stage without belief that you are worth it. The hard part is actually believing that. When I look at pictures of myself when Caius was with us.,I see a HAPPY man and the pictures that Caius is in with me/us are not just happy they are pictures of true love. Love without boundaries. I have to tell myself that love isn't lost. The pictures now are not nearly as happy and my smile isn't nearly as big. It might not ever be. But it can get better by following the right path. The path of following the love ... following the love of my son and it will make me trust the process. Be honest with my feelings at all times. Be vunerable to the feelings that might come up at anytime and don't run from it.
Don't run from the love that I will always have for him. Remember the good times and appreciate the time I had by telling people about him and what I treasure, what he was like, the way his little noises just melted my heart. The little guy was and still is the light of life and the more I follow this process the less surprise pain like petting a porcupine. More like helping the porcupine by finding it a safe place to be and be happy without poking anyone. And that is a "good grief ". Because you are thinking "good grief Clint using porcupines as an analogy?". It's ok if I pet the porcupine again as we are all human and bound to make mistakes, but hopefully I lessen the amount of mistakes and increase the amount of good grief.
I will always miss you Caius love dad.

Please enjoy this video of Caius the great his wonderful noises when he was just 3 months old .

Hey I love you all