What is this salty discharge?

I was watching Seinfeld the other day, an episode I've probably seen at least ten times before. It was the one where Jerry becomes more sensitive, more in tune with his emotions. At one point, he starts crying. Shocked at his tears, he quickly wipes his face and asks, "what is this salty discharge?".

The truth is, I am quite familiar with this salty discharge. I cry every day. One thing I have learned is that there are many different types of crying. First there's a tears running down your cheeks cry. This is usually a quiet cry, reserved mostly for car rides and public places like restaurants and the mall. I cry like this when I pass another mother and her baby, when I feel a strong pull on my heart from missing Caius, when I hear a song that reminds me of him. This cry often bridges a memory to the present moment, forcing me to remember the past and realize the reality of what is at once. Other people may join me during this cry, letting tears run down their cheeks as well while they share their condolences or chime in on the injustice of it all. At times a group of us will share this cry, filling the silence with sniffles and deep breaths. This soft cry can feel cleansing, as though the constant flow of tears is emptying out a path of sadness and making room for peace.

An more intense version of the tears running down your cheeks cry is the soft sob. The soft sob occurs when I look at photos or get stuck in a memory. The soft sob is hard to hide, so it is best done at home or when I am alone. This cry is a helpless one. It an acknowledgement to the fact that Caius is gone and will not be back. It too is a cry of sadness, but paired with a clear understanding of the situation. The soft sob comes when the missing is so strong that it leaks through- it's too much to hold back. It can get stuck in your throat because there is too much sadness to come out at once. The hiccup-like jolt of the sob has to help push it through. I find this cry cleansing, but often tiring as well.

The biggest and baddest cry is a full body sob. This requires a lot of energy. The full body sob accompanies a major dose of helplessness. During a full body sob, questions are often asked. "How did this happen?", "How can you be gone?". Running my hand along the plastic tray of his high chair I say to no one, "you were just here". Leaning over Caius' crib, I smooth down his sheets. "I miss you so much". Folding his sleepers, tears blinding my eyes so I have to guess at what I am doing. "I love you so much". Sitting on the floor in Caius' room, shoulders slumped, head down. Defeated. "Oh, buddy". I'm not sure why I am compelled to speak during the full body sob, perhaps it is due to the feeling that I have to explain what is causing this powerful cry. Sometimes I don't even use words to communicate this, sometimes the pain comes out sounding like a wounded animal. Sometimes I can't even spare the energy to verbally communicate, sometimes a groan, moan or garbled "nooo" is all I manage. This cry comes from deep in my core, it is exhausting. Pain seeps out from every nook and cranny within my body and spills out.

I have heard that the composition of tears changes depending on the emotion being felt by the crier. There are reflex tears, which are caused by things like cutting onions or getting something in your eye, like dust. Basal tears are simply meant to keep the cornea lubricated. But psychic tears are the most fascinating to me. Researchers studying tears have found that these tears vary with feelings. Tears of happiness appear differently than tears of sadness when examined under a microscope, as do tears caused by stress, joy, and so on. I urge you to take a peak at Rose-Lynn Fisher's work, Topography of Tears to see the images yourself. The point is that tears serve to expel toxins from our bodies. They are meant to clear our eyes but can also cleanse us on a deeper level. It can be very therapeutic to have a good cry. Most of the time I run out of tears, which may sound odd but it's true. I cry out everything that is sitting inside me at the moment- sadness, guilt, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, despair, emptiness. I encourage you to have a good cry when things become too overwhelming to contain. Whether it be a quiet cry or a loud one, just let it out. If, mid-cry, you start to wonder "what is this salty discharge?", just know that they are only tears. And perhaps a post-cry Seinfeld episode may help you feel better.

Chantal