A Million Tiny Things

"Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched [him]. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known....

It was like... magic."

I haven't been sleeping well at night, which is alright. It gives me uninterrupted time to think about Caius and the time we had together. I was trying to explain what I miss most about him when a quote by Nora Ephron popped into my head: "it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together". Those words sum it up perfectly because that's what it was, all the tiny little quirks, looks, sounds and actions that made Caius who he was. The complete little package that he was. When Caius came into our lives he became the happy little piece that filled a space that I never realized was empty. A sliver of space that I hadn't realized was sitting there vacant in my heart, just waiting for him to arrive and fill it. And when he settled into that space, it grew bigger and bigger as my love for him grew each day. I remember thinking it wasn't possible to love anymore.

And just as my love for Caius had taken over my whole heart, he was gone. I remember people telling me, 'enjoy it now because they grow up so quickly'. No one ever said, 'enjoy it now because he won't grow up'. The love I have for Caius still fills my heart, but sadness also takes up space. "...A million tiny little things". I miss them all. Tiny feet kicking me when we laid down for a tired snuggle. His little breath on my neck while he slept. His little fingers wrapped around mine. Little fingernails scratching the wall while I changed him on his change table. Little arms reaching out excitedly for his bottle or more applesauce. Little legs jumping up and down as he jumped in his Jolly Jumper. And then the really little things: the flicker of his eyes as one of the dogs walked by, the quick smirk before a big giggle, the sneaky leg stretch before getting into pajamas.

Just as things were slowly settling into a 'new normal', they have become shifted once again. Packing up little sleepers and unworn diapers has brought feelings that I have so carefully tucked into little boxes in the closet of my brain out into the open. So many memories rushing up that my brain wakes me in the night to remember them. So vivid that I am sure he will be there when I reach out, when I open my eyes. Rewind to his first days, then fast forward to his last, then rewind again. Trying hard to remember as many tiny little things as I can.

I usually have a point in mind when I write these blog posts, but this morning I just wanted to encourage whoever is reading this to really take in all the "million tiny things" that make up the ones you love. Soak those things up- I mean really soak them in. Imagine those tiny little things are itty bitty little beads of water and you are a sponge. Absorb all the love and then shine it right back. Take the time for a quick phone call, text, hug, kiss. Or spend a minute or two to remember someone who isn't here anymore. Try to remember as many tiny things as you can. Maybe tell someone about those things. Whatever you choose, I urge you to try one thing. If it makes you feel good, do it again another day. Feed the love you are so lucky to have in your life. I know I will 💗

Chantal