Why me?

I used to make fun of people who would ask, "why me?". I don't anymore. I think that sometimes when things go beyond your coping abilities and spill over into the unknown you ask the question "why me?" because there is no explanation as to as to why it happened to you. We as humans like to know why something happens. It's like when toddlers and young children say "why?" all the time- they really want to know why. 

I really want to know why this happened. I know that I'm never really going to come up with a concrete answer, but I'd still like to know. I really believed that I've built up a lot of karma in the positive direction. I worked with kids without father role models when I worked as an afterschool care coach, I've only worked for companies that have a strong charitable side to their organizations like YMCA and Flaman Fitness. I've worked as a personal trainer and fitness instructor to help people understand that health and fitness are a very important part of their lives. I've helped run several fundraisers helping children and families. So when my son passed I asked the question, "why me?".

I thought I was done with that question. I remember when I was younger, and my coping abilities got a lot better. I'm not even sure how, I think it was the fact that I realized life can be cruel, life can be unfair, and nothing stays the same. So what do you have? I believe you have moments and the ability to create good moments in the future. If you have a nice family, a good group of friends and a positive attitude, this put you in a position where you can have great moments in the future. It's hard when you're in the middle of a situation where your coping powers are being tested beyond your abilities. That's just life. You get to a point where you're feeling good and you feel like, wow things are really good in my life! You imagine yourself on your birthday up in a helicopter with with your significant other beside you with some champagne and in a beautiful area of the world and you think, "wow I've got a great job, I've got a beautiful son, and I'm healthy and loved".

And then the next day comes along and it's completely different. Everything has changed; your coping mechanisms are pushed to their limits. You're coping as a father who has lost his child. Your only child. It's as if you're left with coping not as a father anymore, you're back to who you were before. So you draw from the strength you've built up but nothing comes close to this. You have to cope with a nightmare that isn't just about one event, it will stay with you. It will stay with you forever whereas normally you get into a situation and you say well I'm glad I went through that. It's made me a better person. Say you lost your job, you got into a car accident or you got a divorce. All things that are very hard to deal with and getting through them increases your ability to get through the next stressful thing. This situation that I am going through is the same. I will have an ability to get through the next stressful thing with more tools in my toolbox, more strength. Do I want this strength, do I want these tools?

As we go through stressful things in our life, I feel like we lose innocence. I feel like we lose the 'why me?'. The 'why me' is your innocence asking how can this world be this way? Is this happening to others, or is this just happening to me? You can answer that last question every of time with "no". It happens to everyone. Everyone will go through hardships in their life, everyone will have to ask themselves the question: 'why me?'. Why you?. Because life is cruel at times but it's also very beautiful. It's also all we have. So we have to make the best of it- scratch that, we don't have to make the best of it but we should.

I'm slowly building the coping abilities to get through what I'm going through and I'm going to get to a point where I'm going to look back on my time with Caius and instead of wishing he was here with me. I will be thinking, man I was a lucky man to experience Caius as he was joy, he was innocence, he was happiness. He signified all that is good in this world. He never had to ask the question 'why me?'. He never had to go through loss. He was perfect. So I could ask the question 'why me?', or I could look at the time that I had with him and say 'I'm so lucky to have those precious moments as that's all we have'.

Now I could've read that in a book, I could've been told that by my parents or a teacher. Instead I had to live it. I have to go through something that no one should have to go through. To learn that we don't own anything other than our moments and the ability to create more moments. Those are ours, those are our moments. Treasure your moments look at each moment as being like a diamond, like it's the most valuable thing you have. Tell the story of how your son scored his first goal in soccer and tell the story of the first time you fell in love and tell the story of how you you enjoyed that bootcamp. Tell your stories, enjoy your moments as you never know when the next time life is going to be cruel and change drastically. You really never know. We can all ask the question 'why us?'. Because we have so many beautiful moments that we can share with with others and cherish as our own. So here's what I'm working on: I'm working on treasuring my moments with Caius instead of doing the 'why me?' thing. I'm working on it, and with everyone's help I'll get there. If you were to take anything from this I hope it's this: build your wonderful moments like you build your bankroll and put yourself in a position where the great moments will be plentiful.

Hey! I love you

Clint