Today I combed my hair

You should be here. You should be riding with me in your stroller and in your car seat, feeling the warm summer breeze tickle your little cheeks. You should be here, breathing in the smell of freshly cut grass after the neighbours mow their lawns. You should be here, beside me on a blanket at the beach, sitting up tall wearing the light blue short overalls I bought you not too long ago. Back when the thoughts of us sharing these moments together were obvious guarantees. The idea that I would never put this baby sunscreen on your pale, soft skin or dress you in these summer clothes would have never crossed my mind. You were healthy, things were going great! Of course you would be here.

But you're not. I am reminded of this constantly when the sun shines. I think of how you would have loved being outside with me. I think about how we used to walk along the lake when it was cool out, counting down the months when we would be out in far less clothing. When you would wear your little sun hats and sandals. The reality of you not being here seems so much harsher as it gets warmer. I think about how unfair it is that you never even got the chance to stick your little toes in the lake, never got the opportunity to enjoy a lazy summer day, never got to experience long summer nights watching the stars. I think about how I was pregnant with you last summer, so anxious to meet you, never imagining that I would only get seven short months with you.

My old routines spent with you are fading, and I have been forced to find new ones. It's strange how mundane things had become more interesting with you in tow, and how difficult basic tasks have become. Even things that interested me when you were here have become unappealing. It still blows me away at how quickly your life can change within a matter of hours. I would give anything to be back with you, anything. Even just to hold you a little while longer. Nothing is the same.

I am depressed.

I have been told that I have "situational depression". As a counselor, I recognize the symptoms in myself. My excitement for life has been dulled, my faith in the universe tarnished. Caius was an innocent soul, robbed of life. I am not a bad person, and I believe that I have dealt with my fair share of challenges in my life. I have always tried to take away a lesson from these situations but why I have been chosen to carry this heavy burden, I'll never know. I'm not saying some people deserve it and some don't. I know that in life comes death, I understand that we are not the only ones dealing with this sort of loss. But for me grief has come with depression, and so the things that used to make sense don't anymore. My life has been flipped upside down and I don't feel like myself anymore. Black waves of sadness gently rock back and forth within me, coating the inside of my skin and numbing everything it touches. They wrap themselves tightly around my heart, so tightly that it causes real pain. They swirl around inside my head so my thoughts become jumbled and out of place.

Depression is exhausting, and affects almost all aspects of my life right now. I know people who have suffered with depression for long periods of time, and I feel so sorry that this is or has been their reality too. Depression steals happiness, joy, hope. While mine has been named "situational", I am not sure how long it will last. In the meantime, I am trying to cope. I try to get out of the house regularly to socialize and talk to friends. I meet with our grief counselor. I work on my website. I have tried to reconnect with yoga, since it has helped me in the past. I eat well. I remember to comb my hair every morning.

If you are also depressed, or know someone who is, please know that connection and kindness is HUGE. I sometimes have to force myself to get out. It's hard for me to accept help, hard to admit I'm not always strong enough. But I don't want to stay like this, I don't want to live like this. The support of my family and friends is everything right now. If you are reading this, thank you. You are helping us recover, helping us share our story. We will overcome this, our love for Caius WILL destroy this depression. Just as Caius was the reason when he was here, he is the reason for tomorrow. Help me share this love as we share love with each other, reaching out when we need it and passing it freely when we can. <3

Chantal 

(a happy photo to offset the heaviness of today's topic :P )