Signs

I believe in signs. I believe that in this seemingly random and unpredictable life, we receive little signs that let us know that we are on the right path. Sometimes these signs make positive impacts on our lives, sometimes they come in the form of challenges. Sometimes we understand their meanings immediately, sometimes it takes time to fully comprehend them. Sometimes signs can come in the form of objects, experiences or what we may interpret as coincidences. Sometimes it's a feeling.

What I find most intriguing about signs is that they are often times unexplainable. I should be clear- I do not like things that cannot be explained in most cases. Magic tricks drive me nuts because I often have no idea how they are done, and that kind of annoys me. And as someone who functions with a more logic and common sense based mindset, I appreciate more concrete ideas. I like to try and understand things.

Unless I get signs from Caius. I have received little signs from my buddy since he's been gone, as have people I know. I've mentioned the bumblebee and robin's eggs, which have become little symbols of peace to me. On my lowest days, I beg for them. Hey buddy, I say, if you're around let me know. And at the best times, he does. I don't think it was a coincidence that Clint and I had a huge bumblebee sitting on our hotel room floor when we were feeling especially down. I also find it hard to believe that my mom and I found the scattered robin's eggs on Mother's Day. Just as people find comfort in religion or spiritual belief systems, I find peace in these signs. I recall once having a t-shirt that read "love is my religion". In using these signs as an extension of love, I suppose this notion still rings true.

Communicating with Caius through signs may sound farfetched, I will admit. But I have received similar signs before. When my Nanny Terry passed away, my sister and I would talk about "pennies from Heaven". When we would find a penny, we would thank her for it. Not for the one cent coin as it held little monetary value, but for the little sign that she was around in some sort of capacity. And that held great value. I later shared this with my mom, and we would follow the same routine. It wasn't much, but it made us feel good. Whether it be silly or whatnot, it was a brief moment of peace and I don't find any harm in that. Recently, when I was on a walk with my mom, we were chatting about Caius and remembering the pennies. I reminded her of a time we were travelling and sharing stories about Nanny Terry over dinner when, as I went to the bathroom, I found a row of pennies lined up along the back of the toilet. We joked that since we didn't use pennies anymore, we would have to change it to "nickels from Heaven". During our walk, we found a robin's egg- nowhere near a tree or nest, just as before. Instantly, I felt Caius around.

And then came the nickels. One at first, found on our way back. It was sitting there, in plain sight, unseen on our first pass. We were shocked. What were the chances? Maybe we missed it on the way down, I thought. But I doubted that- since I have begun looking for signs, I have become very aware of my surroundings. Especially when it is right on the ground in front of me. And then soon after, TWO nickels. Side by side, again not there when we had walked the path earlier. It was as though Caius was saying, 'I knew you would doubt the first one mom, so here's a couple more!'. At that moment I knew it had to be something bigger than a coincidence. Whether you believe or not, I find it hard to explain how we had just discussed finding nickels, and then proceeded to find three. It was not a busy path at all, and the nickels were obvious to see when they were found.

It is not only me that receives signs from Caius. Sometimes he sends messages through others. About a month ago, I was having a really tough time and experiencing a great amount of guilt. I would go through all the things I may have done wrong, all the things I could have unintentionally done to cause Caius' death. Maybe the food I fed him was contaminated, maybe I should have taken more vitamins when I was pregnant or nursing, maybe I gave him something that he was allergic to. Maybe he was too tired when he went to sleep that night. I tortured myself with these thoughts; they consumed me. Then one evening I received this message from my friend Kiera, a fellow teacher:

"One day in centers I looked over at the girls playing house. I see A, my star student, holding her baby and explaining to the others that she was taking her baby to the store and that HE was soo good. She put HIM in to the car seat and began shushing him saying, 'don't worry honey, don't worry Caius we are going to the store.' I went over to A and said, 'sweetie who is this'... she informed me that it was her baby Caius. I said how did she come up with the name and she said she made it up..... I looked at her shirt as she was telling me and on the front of her pink shirt was a giant bumble bee."

The serenity that this message brought is unmeasurable. It was so much bigger than a small antidote about a little girl playing with a doll. Taking Caius to the store was one of my favorite things. I loved watching him look around and he loved checking out all the new faces around him. When he started riding in the front of the shopping cart, he was at the perfect height for stealing kisses. Kiera's story was a collection of random bits all put together into the right moment. The fact that the student named her baby Caius, that they were going shopping, that she was wearing a shirt with a bumblebee on it, that Kiera had overheard the girls playing. Whatever the odds are that these things would happen in unison, I don't want to know. All I know is the feeling that it brought. And that feeling is an amazing escape.

When your days are filled with sadness, guilt and loneliness, these signs are BIG. I miss Caius so, so much. Each morning when I wake, my mind reminds me that he is gone; I think about him always. Anything that can give me a short escape from grief is a gift. These little signs are unexplainable, but I don't want to analyze them. I want to let them be. They make me feel better, and I need that. They make me feel connected to my son. I will continue to ask for them, continue to look for them. Bring on the bees, eggs, nickels, and everything else. I'll be waiting for them, buddy.

Chantal

Thank you again Jess and Kiera!