George McFly
It's real.
For the past month and a half I've been waiting for my alarm to go off. Maybe the dogs will wake me up. Caius might wake me up with his George McFly grunts as he would do just before a full on cry. I realize now that I'm not going to wake up. This is reality. I will never hear him George McFly again. I would even take a full on cry- well I'd take anything Caius as I did when he was with us. Back then I was like, 'alright alright, I'll get up', but now if I heard him cry I'd say, 'Caius I've missed that so much'.
I feel stronger now that I've come to grips with reality. It's starting to be a new reality. One towards wisdom and strength. The path I was on before was one towards love and excitement. Excitement to see him at the end of the day, as most parents who work feel when they come home to their kids. That sounds envious doesn't it? Well I am envious. I'm envious of all the little things a parent receives from being a dad or mom. Things like the eye connection where you don't even have to hear the words I love you it's said with a look. Things like picking your child up and holding them where they can look over your shoulder. Things like kissing their little cheeks and holding them after. So ya I'm envious. One thing that gives me comfort though is that Caius knew dad loved those things because I did them all the time. Things have changed though. My road is different. I've come to realize that now. I must hold his memory tight and lift up his life for all to see. I must be like Caius. I have to move forward, never forgetting the past but understanding now that it is really the past. My journey has taken me on the first step towards wisdom and strength. I can feel it. I can see my purpose forming in front of me now as opposed to behind me. And I have a secret weapon!
My secret weapon is that for some reason I can see Caius's smiling face as a background to everything in front of me. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen so to have that as a backdrop, it's quite empowering. I started to see his face as a background in my world around the same time I realized my new reality. It's almost like he is a beacon towards the future. If the future is Caius's smiling face then how could you not move forward? I'm happy to say we are moving forward together now. It's almost like when I didn't believe in my reality, I was looking behind me trying to change the past. But Caius isn't there anymore- he is ahead of me. Asking me to move forward not away from him but towards him.
Sounds easy right Well it still isn't easy to move forward but it's getting easier. The more I realize he is with me, the better it gets. My baby Caius and I will move towards greatness. I know this for a fact! Imagine yourself in my position: you see the person you love the most as a background ahead of you and everywhere you go. Now try to do something bad or unhelpful to you or someone else. Wouldn't you feel bad and ashamed? Of course you would. So seeing Caius will always lead me down the right path. The right path is often hard. Filled with things like work, discipline, sacrifice and patience. The blessing is that those things are often followed by things like success, wisdom and strength. Don't ever get me wrong, I would trade that all in for even just a minute with my beautiful Caius. But my world as it stands today is that Caius isn't here, he isn't going make that George McFly noise before he cries, I'm not going to be able to help him through whatever ails him. Instead he is going to help his dad with his new realities by always being there ahead with a smile that can grow a heart to be ten times it's size. Thank you Caius, I'm trying to smile back at you, I'm starting to. With your help I will one day be like Caius, always smiling with the wisdom and the strength to help others with their journey to be like you.
"Hey" guess what ?
I love you all
Caius's Dad
For the past month and a half I've been waiting for my alarm to go off. Maybe the dogs will wake me up. Caius might wake me up with his George McFly grunts as he would do just before a full on cry. I realize now that I'm not going to wake up. This is reality. I will never hear him George McFly again. I would even take a full on cry- well I'd take anything Caius as I did when he was with us. Back then I was like, 'alright alright, I'll get up', but now if I heard him cry I'd say, 'Caius I've missed that so much'.
I feel stronger now that I've come to grips with reality. It's starting to be a new reality. One towards wisdom and strength. The path I was on before was one towards love and excitement. Excitement to see him at the end of the day, as most parents who work feel when they come home to their kids. That sounds envious doesn't it? Well I am envious. I'm envious of all the little things a parent receives from being a dad or mom. Things like the eye connection where you don't even have to hear the words I love you it's said with a look. Things like picking your child up and holding them where they can look over your shoulder. Things like kissing their little cheeks and holding them after. So ya I'm envious. One thing that gives me comfort though is that Caius knew dad loved those things because I did them all the time. Things have changed though. My road is different. I've come to realize that now. I must hold his memory tight and lift up his life for all to see. I must be like Caius. I have to move forward, never forgetting the past but understanding now that it is really the past. My journey has taken me on the first step towards wisdom and strength. I can feel it. I can see my purpose forming in front of me now as opposed to behind me. And I have a secret weapon!
My secret weapon is that for some reason I can see Caius's smiling face as a background to everything in front of me. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen so to have that as a backdrop, it's quite empowering. I started to see his face as a background in my world around the same time I realized my new reality. It's almost like he is a beacon towards the future. If the future is Caius's smiling face then how could you not move forward? I'm happy to say we are moving forward together now. It's almost like when I didn't believe in my reality, I was looking behind me trying to change the past. But Caius isn't there anymore- he is ahead of me. Asking me to move forward not away from him but towards him.
Sounds easy right Well it still isn't easy to move forward but it's getting easier. The more I realize he is with me, the better it gets. My baby Caius and I will move towards greatness. I know this for a fact! Imagine yourself in my position: you see the person you love the most as a background ahead of you and everywhere you go. Now try to do something bad or unhelpful to you or someone else. Wouldn't you feel bad and ashamed? Of course you would. So seeing Caius will always lead me down the right path. The right path is often hard. Filled with things like work, discipline, sacrifice and patience. The blessing is that those things are often followed by things like success, wisdom and strength. Don't ever get me wrong, I would trade that all in for even just a minute with my beautiful Caius. But my world as it stands today is that Caius isn't here, he isn't going make that George McFly noise before he cries, I'm not going to be able to help him through whatever ails him. Instead he is going to help his dad with his new realities by always being there ahead with a smile that can grow a heart to be ten times it's size. Thank you Caius, I'm trying to smile back at you, I'm starting to. With your help I will one day be like Caius, always smiling with the wisdom and the strength to help others with their journey to be like you.
"Hey" guess what ?
I love you all
Caius's Dad
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