Training days

BE STRONG. Everyone wants to be strong. Eat your vegetables so you can get big and strong! Lift weights every day and you will be strong! Look at your muscles, you're so strong!

The thing is, it's hard to BE strong if you haven't been training. I can't go into a gym and pick up the heaviest weight there because I have decided to be strong. I can't lift boulders or push a car because I want to be strong. You have to start small and build strength. It takes time.

When Caius passed away, I quickly realized I have to be strong. I can't lay in bed every day and cry or sleep (even though some days I want to) because I know I need to do more than that to heal. I know Clint needs me to be strong. I know I need to process what has happened to move forward. And I know Caius would want me to be strong to do so. But I haven't been training. Some days it feels as though I am standing in front of a ten ton weight and someone is telling me to lift it. Be strong, they say. Just do it. You have to be strong.

Some days I feel like I could lift it. Over my head even. Easy peasy. I feel STRONG! But then someone walks by with a stroller. Then I am alone driving and I stupidly ask, how's my little buddy doing back there?, to the empty back seat. Then I find a soother under the bed. And suddenly I am not strong. The rock starts to feel too heavy and it starts to crush me. I wonder why I thought I could even lift it in the first place. I didn't train for this.

Why do we ask people to be emotionally strong if they haven't practiced? If they haven't trained? And why can't we just be a little weak sometimes? I think there's beauty in weakness, beauty in vulnerability. Why can't we just be a little more REAL? This is what I would have tried to teach Caius after all- that crying is ok, admitting you're not strong is ok.

I am in training. I am training to be stronger emotionally so I can manage seeing my niece without thinking about how Caius would be doing the same things as her. I am training so I can pack his clothes away properly without feeling like I am drowning. I am training so I can help others in whatever way I can. I am training so I can get out of bed each morning knowing he's not here any more. I cannot lift the rock every day, but I can try a little more each time. And will I keep the lessons I would have taught my son in mind. I will not shy away from being weak. I cannot just BE strong, but I am working on it.  

Chantal