Holding it together

I will be a Dad again, I have Chanty, I have a great job, lots of friends, great family and I have my health. All things to keep it together. But I fall apart frequently. I fall apart in the shower, I fall apart in my car driving, I fall apart when I see someone who hasn't seen me since it happened. There is also the "have to's". I have to eat on time, I have to workout, I have to shower and I have to sleep. Sounds strange to some but sometimes I don't feel like doing any of my have to's. Sleeping is a battle in general, as my mind spins into guilt then panic even though I've found sleep is the most important. This is my new normal.

Ok here comes the positive twist! Anything that is tough to go through makes you stronger. You adapt to what has happened. Caius did it too. He had colic and cried a lot from digestion pain from day one until about three months. He got better though, and cried a lot less. By a lot I mean he went from crying a lot to smiling a lot then later laughing a lot. He didn't adapt alone, we were there with him the whole way. We bounced him to feel better, we took him to different professionals to help (Chiro, Naturalpath doctors, pediatrician, family doctor, etc.). He was breastfed. We were pros at 'shh-ing'. Most importantly we loved him- by love I mean LOVE! We lived to love him and still do. I believe it's through that love that we really helped him out of a tough time. He thrived afterwards he was a gem after. By gem I mean he sparkled- his smile lit up rooms, and his attitude was the type of excitement that people wanted to be around. I think he became like this to us to show us how much he appreciated us helping him and loving him.

One might say we have colic right now because we cry in pain. You all help us keep it together by being there for us. While you don't bounce me or 'shh' us for comfort, making it known that you are there for us it helps. Writing also gives us purpose, and that purpose is important as we are keepers of Caius's memory and we need to get to the point where we can share a video and not be sad. Be happy and proud that we were his parents. I had a good friend tell me the other day that he didn't text me or write to me because he didn't know what to say and everything he thought to say didn't seem right. Then he said some wonderful words face-to-face and it made me feel loved. That was his way. There are no right words, there is no right time. We have had so many people show us love that it has felt like a giant has picked us up and bounced and 'shh'd' us to comfort. So while we try to keep up the have to's, we have the ability to say thank you. As we get stronger it is from your love. Be ready to see Caius in us.

Clint