Heart brick

Yesterday I complained about my heart hurting and I asked Chanty ( Chantal ) if she ever suffers from physical heart pain. She laughed and said, "are you kidding? It's our heart brick". I was taken aback a bit because my heart at the time was heavier than usual. It did subside but I noticed that physically my heart is heavier now. It's hard to describe but it's kind like heart burn without the burn. We run sometimes and that helps, we talk it out and that helps but it's always there. It's one of my new normals. It amazes me a bit because I never really physically associated love and the heart. It's quite fascinating really as I recall the term "heart ache". A new lover might say to another, my heart aches for you and that's a nice feeling as it's followed up with excitement to see them. Think of a loved one you miss or a break up and your heart aches because of the pain. But do we truly ache in pain in both cases? We ache in pain for that new love and we ache in pain for the lost love. We don't normally feel it physically. Both are a stress on the body because of the level of coping one must endure. We follow one with excitement because of what will follow in the future. Vice versa is true with loss. My heart brick comes from the heart ache caused by a consistent stream of memories about Caius. Kind of like my dad in hot yoga. He didn't drip sweat, he had a constant stream of sweat coming down. For me, it will end up being a slow drip; right now it's a constant stream of memories. I miss him harder than anyone I've ever missed, as I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and it is a loss. I don't want to forget all the little moments so it's a burden that I'm willing to take on. So the ache has grown into a brick in my heart. I know what you're thinking : "that sounds sad". You bet it does. How about we reframe it. Let's change the name from heart brick to heart safe. While safes are heavy, they keep things...safe. My heart safe is tiring right now as it has to open and shut a lot. But when it becomes a drip it will be less tiring and I will be able to enjoy all those memories- like when Caius would stand (with my help of course) on my chest and look so proud and happy to be there with me. Or when he would stare at me in his swing watching me make coffee and breaky. Or when he would get so excited he would yell out in joy. Ok I'm really crywriting now. So while they keep flooding in and it is heavy I'm glad to have my heart safe. As Chantal puts it, "let's remember him and be happy that we had those times". These memories are precious and they need a safe place to stay. I am so blessed to have them so while it is a heavy burden, I am happy to take it on. I am excited to always have the love stick with me forever.

PS you're welcome for the visual of my dad doing hot yoga.

Clint