Bumblebees

Today I found a bumblebee. We are in Victoria, Clint travelling for work and I tagging along for comfort and distraction. It was a strange feeling driving here without Caius. Almost as though, along with my curling iron and black boots, we had forgotten him. I struggled with the intense feelings that came up when we stepped into our first hotel room, instantly remembering when we travelled with him. I felt overwhelming sadness when we walked around the ferry, thinking about how much Caius would have loved looking at the water and of course all the people. I breathed the ocean air so deeply, as though he could feel it too while I did so. I closed my eyes and imagined holding him on my lap as the wind whipped through my hair, begging my body to play along and let me feel some sort of phantom weight leaning against me.

When we arrived, we were so drained. A long day of sharing memories and crying in the car left us feeling empty and heartbroken. My body craved sleep for both a break and a sense of recharging. I slept soundly. As I awoke, my brain reminded me of our current reality and a heaviness returned to my chest. The numbness that has taken over my entire body started moving around my legs, my arms, my neck. Sensing this weight in each other, we decide to go for a run. As we approached the ocean's edge, thoughts about how much Caius would love it here and anger that he is not here swirled around in my head. I walked closer to the edge where the wind was too cold, forcing myself to stay as a sort of punishment. Punishment for pretending everything is normal and punishment for being able to be here. It was almost as though I was sending a message to Caius, reassuring him that I am in pain. Although I don't really believe that's what he would want. The coolness started to numb my fingers and cheeks, and I felt as though my body was so heavy and full that the strongest gust of wind couldn't even knock me down. I probably wouldn't even have felt it.

As we returned, we agreed we needed to reset our thinking and think positively to continue our day in a way that encouraged us to "be like Caius". We started to take turns recalling special memories when I noticed something on the hotel room floor. A large bumblebee. Still and unthreatening, but nonetheless evoking a small sense of fear. Quickly, I grabbed a paper and asked (ok, told) Clint to scoop it back outside. We wondered how it got inside. We also thought it was lucky that neither of us had gotten stung, or stepped on it as we must have nearly done so several times.

As strange as it was to see a bumblebee just quietly sitting in the middle of the floor, I also felt an odd feeling of peace. Probably because it was now outside, I thought. But then a thought about feeding Caius in his highchair crept into my head. You see, Caius had a special bowl that I used to feed him from. He loved this bowl because when he finished his last bite of rice cereal or sweet potato, he could see the bottom of the bowl. And on the bottom of the bowl was the smiling face of a bumblebee. I'm not sure why but every time I would show him this, he would smile or laugh even. He would reach out for his bee bowl, wanting to see it closer. I then thought of Caius playing in his 'office' and how he would always twist around to look for one particular piece: a plastic stem that held two shapes. A bumblebee and a letter B. We used to wonder why, with other parts that moved and made noise, this piece was so interesting to him.

Curious, I did a quick search of what the bumblebee symbolizes. I found many different ideas within various cultural and religious groups. But amoung these interpretations, one meaning was repeated more than once: love. I am not a strong believer in religion or mysticism; I am more of a realist who needs solid evidence or reason to believe in something. But I do believe that Caius was sending us a message this morning. I once read a quote that sums up grief as "love with no where to go". While we struggle to learn how to direct our love for Caius in a way that honours him and allows us to share who he was, I believe this to be true. Perhaps this is simply a desperate stretch from a mother missing her son so much it makes her feel physically ill. But whether you agree or not, seeing the bumblebee today made me feel as though Caius is truly with us in some way. They say that bees and their beekeeper have an intensely strong bond. Although I can't see my little bumblebee, I can still feel him close.

🐝

Chantal