Bad words

Man that class was so hard I thought I was going to die. SHHH she's right there...her baby just died...

I am so tired I could literally go to sleep and never wake up. Don't say that- don't you know that's what happened to her baby?

Oh there's the girl with the super smiley baby! SHHH he just died. Don't mention him.

Have you ever sworn in front of a child and immediately corrected yourself? Changed a bad word into something more "acceptable" or "decent"? Turned a satisfying "fuck that" into "fart that"? It never really fits. It doesn't feel as good. Fuck SIDS. That feels good. Fart SIDS. Not so much.

I have never been one to curse much. As a child, I feared that God or Santa might hear me say bad words, and even though I no longer have those thoughts I have always been more of an "oh shoot" and "what the heck" kind of person. Even young kids know what the 's word' is; they are aware of words they should and should not use. And I thought I knew what these bad words were.

But there are new bad words I am learning about.

Some of these bad words include "die" and "baby". I notice people trying to correct themselves after saying these words as though they have said something offensive. Something bad. Words that need to be taken back almost as soon as they are said. Words that need to be replaced with something "appropriate". Sometimes they start talking about something totally unrelated just to escape having said one of the bad words.

The thing is I like hearing bad words. I like SAYING bad words. I secretly throw out f-bombs under my breath on a daily basis. Because sometimes it just fits. Sometimes it just feels better. But I also know that not everyone likes hearing these words. And I am sorry for offending anyone reading this for using bad words. I know it makes people uncomfortable to hear 'the f word' so I do say "oh fudge" even though it doesn't feel as good. So when people avoid using the new bad words around me, I get it. I appreciate it even. I know you think it will make me start thinking about Caius and how he's gone. But just as I like hearing bad words, I like hearing about him. I think about him 99% of the day, so please don't feel as though you're reminding me of him by saying these words. I am probably already thinking about him anyways. And I know he died (even as I write this I want to delete the word and change it to "passed away" because it feels more palatable...). And it does make me sad, sometimes so much so that I will start crying at strange times. But I love him and I love talking about him. He was amazing. He WAS Caius the Great. So even if you notice me hear one of the new bad words, please know it's ok. I AM the girl who had the super smiley baby. You can say it. And I would love to show you a hundred pictures of his smiling face. Just say the (bad) word.